What Adults Are Thinking When They Start Going To Church Again
February 23, 2012 
5 Comments
Pastors and church leaders, has a large portion of your adult attendance been previously disillusioned with God and the church? Have they felt disenfranchised in their spiritual journey? Was there a period of time they quit going to church, perhaps during and after college, and have now returned? Are they now finding love and acceptance in their spiritual journey?
Today I had a very interesting conversation with a gentlemen. Let me describe him:
- HIGHLY, HIGHLY educated.
- Very successful professional.
- Was saved and deeply connected to a prominent ministry as a child.
- Saw the dark under-belly of ministry and its worst parts.
- Fell away from God and the church and starting living a reckless and destructive lifestyle during high school and college.
- As an adult was abandoned by his church and offered no help during a period of unemployment.
- However, has now found a good church home and has recently returned to active, regular worship.
- Is now passionate about living for Jesus though still struggles with disillusionment about people in the church.
Because he had previously two horrible experiences with churches, I asked him what he was looking for in a church as he returned with his family. The following were his answers. They give us insights into the hearts and minds of dechurched individuals returning to their spiritual roots.
First Impressions
- He was looking for “curb appeal”.
- “Were the people engaging but at the same time lacked aggression?”
- Was the building “confusing”?
- Did it have “wide-open space” with a coffee area and bookstore?
- What type of experience would his kids have? Was it safe?
Music
- “It takes up half the service.”
- He wanted it to be “good, vibrant, and inspiring.”
How do they do announcements?
- “Don’t make me stand.”
- “Don’t make me chant.”
Message
- “Needs to be well thought out.”
- He likes series.
- “Make the Word of God relatable to my life.”
Issues
- “I am worried about my time, my quality of time.”
- “I want to be a good father and husband.”
- “Help me with my time with God.”
- “I want to deal with harder issues.”
Then I asked him to tell me about the close of the service or “the ask”.
- He wants the leadership to ask him “to get plugged in with individuals”. *Note – That was interesting to me. Rather than connecting to God, the initial connection would be to other people.
- He wants the church to “drive people to groups”.
- “What does God expect of me?”
What Connects With Him
- He said, “What keeps me going is when leadership is real. When leadership says, ‘I blew it.’”
Pastors and church leaders, I found this conversation with someone who accepted Christ and lived for him until high school and college, but was now returning to the faith, fascinating. At your next leadership meeting, go through this list and see if there is a common journey to those in your church who have returned to the faith as adults.
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This is a familiar testimony in our church as well. I think the root cause for this is two-fold: 1. A disconnect between true Gospel understanding and the message being communicated.(communication being both what the preacher is preaching as well as what the hearer is hearing) 2. A pervasive culture of entitlement and “what can the church do for me” mentality. The Gospel makes it clear life is not about our comfort, our desires, or even our needs but rather God and his ultimate, infinite, and indisputable glory. Coincidentally our joy and fulfillment can only be maximized when we recognize and celebrate this reality.
Good run down of the issues. Like the idea of being authentic and honest about faults as a leadership.
My only concern is that it doesn’t seem as though these types of folks are returning with the regularity that they were.
Josh,
Interesting observation. We will definitely be tracking that. Thanks for commenting and I hope to hear back from you again soon.
Brian
So I had an deep conversation with a man named Brian on a flight a couple days ago about my faith and church experiences – more spacifically, what I was looking for in a church. I have to say “thanks Brian” for taking the time away from your book…
I would like to add what my wife and I are ultimately looking for is “Love” – real, biblical one-another love. What I have lost in recent years is not trust in God, but hope in a real church. I have visited so many churches where not one person has said “hello, I don’t think I’ve seen you before” “first time here” or seen church goers catching a last smoke before heading in. I have also seen, first hand, power plays and sin covered up with deception to devistating ends.
It’s not that I expect a perfect church, to the contrary, I expect to be hurt by others sin in the church, just as I am sure to cause pain along the way – but that means that I would have close relationships with my brothers and sisters. I have found it increasingly difficult to form real relationships inside Gods family with other men.
God is there every day with me and I know that I am his child. I guess what I am looking for is my family, my real family.
It not about what can you do for me and it’s not about what I can do for you, but can we do this together?
Real leadership, and real people living for God and loving eachother. That’s what He said right? That we would be known by our love for one-another?
Joel,
I hope you’re doing well and I’m glad I had some good conversation rather than a book on that flight. Your comments have helped hundreds of church leaders across the world. I appreciate your transparency and wish you the absolute best.
Take care,
Brian